Repressing the Fantasy

From the Husband,

In my wife’s last post she mentioned how she was a good girl, which was true.  When I first met her I thought she was a slut but really she was just partying a little in college.  After I found out she was a still virgin something in inside me snapped and I got even more conservative.  I think it was all the social programing from my family and the church.  I started seeing her differently, as this pure virgin that needed to be protected from an evil sinful world.  During our early years together I was very possessive and jealous.

However my kinks never went away, in the back on my mind I still wanted that little slut I thought she was.  I wanted to explore sex, taboo and kink but I wanted her to explore these things with me.  I know most guys would just cheat on their wives and fulfill their kinks in other ways but that didn’t sound fun to me.  I wanted, actually needed, her to be part of the exploration to feel any fulfillment.

I knew before we got married what we wanted but I didn’t know how to tell her.  I tried joking about it but she didn’t take me seriously.  I thought about setting down with her and having a serious discussion but at the time we had some many other people interfering in our relationship that I never had the chance. If I could have do everything over i wouldn’t have let those people take so much of our private time away from us.

So I repressed my thoughts for years, well for the most part.  I did start buying my wife large dildos and toys to satisfy some of my desires. I was amazed by the size of the toys that could fit inside her. Watching her ride a 10 inch dildo balls deep turned me on and still does turn me on more than I can explain.

Still she held on to some of those good girl traits even behind close doors with just the two of us. She was always careful about how much she explored and experimented. So I felt trapped, depressed and angry. I wanted to take her to strip clubs, sex clubs and parties so bad but I knew she would never agree. After awhile I started using phone sex services to talk about my kinks and it helped for a little while. I then started watching a lot of porn, it also helped for a little while but both of these things never really quenched my desires. For a moment I tried repressing my desires again. I got rid of my porn and started going to church. Part of me felt good being “normal” but another part of me felt so numb. I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head and then I realized I didn’t want to. I was just trying to repress them because of other people, not for myself.

Once again I knew what I wanted but still didn’t have the balls or heart to discuss it with my wife. I then started visiting strip clubs with friends and alone. At first it was fun, hanging out with friends and meeting pretty girls. I often tipped the pretty blonde girls because in my mind I was thinking about my wife being the pretty blonde girl on stage in front of everyone. Then I noticed something, my fantasy was becoming less about my wife. I was slowly replacing her from the fantasy. I knew she was too much of a “good” girl to do the things I wanted so I started becoming more attracted to the girls in the club. After becoming a semi-regular I knew I had to do something when one of the strippers asked me if I was interested in seeing her outside of the club on a more personal level. I knew I had to stop visiting the clubs and have a serious talk with my wife.